A Word About Fathers

The title of this blog includes a tribute to my mother because with each passing day I see how I am becoming more and more like her in so many ways.  She was the one who I depended on.  The one who loved me no matter what I did (and I did ALOT!).  She sacrificed so much so that my brother, Kerry, and I had as normal of a childhood as we could, albeit not like most of our friends whose dads were in their lives.

What I know about earthly fathers, you could put in a thimble.  OK, a bucket,...just not a very big one.  My father's name was Orland Johnson.  He was born and raised in Parrish, AL.  I had a few years of time spent with him but from age 8 through age 21 we did not see each other's face.  We also did not talk.   I was a little bitter.  And let's be honest, I still am.

The lesson I learned from his absence was that I needed to lean on my heavenly father.  I was jealous of others.  My friends who were obviously "Daddy's little girl" were the ones I wanted to be because I never had that.  Whatever the circumstances were that caused my father to stay away from me I will never understand.  I have my own children.  Just try to keep me from them.... I dare you.  I never will understand.

The one thing I do understand is that One greater actually made me.  He who is the creator of all things is sufficient for me.  And because of His love and His gift of His SON, I have everything I need.  He is my father.

Still, there are swirling emotions because I have news.  I found out today that my earthly father died.  And I found out that he died seven months ago.  Ironically, on my mother's birthday.

My brother and I were not mentioned as being his children in the obituary.  Just as in his life, we were not acknowledged.  No one called me to tell me so I could at least let his other children (my brothers, mind you) know that I was sorry for their loss.  My sweet brother come to tell me today because he found out by accident.

I am conflicted but firm.  I KNOW who my FATHER is.  I know who I am and WHOSE I am.   And I hope I have provided the love and support for my kids and grands to find the love of the true FATHER in their lives, as well.

Rest in Peace Orland Johnson

Our Horizontal Relationships

 Luke 12: 22-31 ESV
And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

Overwhelmed is an understatement.  But it's the best I can do right now.  I have moments where I cannot even utter a word because emotion rules my speech.  I'll probably have typos, too.... and that is just going to be OK.  I can say this... MY GOD IS WONDERFUL AND WORTHY OF ALL PRAISE!

Before I understood what a horizontal relationship was I had experienced  many.  People who were instrumental in my life from childhood provided things for me and my family.  Many times we never knew who provided those things.  But God was responsible for those horizontal relationships.   Let me give a little background and examples.  

My mom was a single mother of two kids.  We did not have much but we had what we needed.  My father never financially contributed to my existence and my mom went to court many times to try to get him to own up to his responsibilities.  All the while, she cared for my brother and me.  There was little money for extras and I remember several times when she announced to us that Christmas would be slim.  There were Christmases that we received gifts and we did not know who gave them to us.  I know now that they were given by members of the church I attended.  The horizontal relationships God provided for us were used to provide physical things for us.

 Another time I experienced the receiving end of the horizontal relationship was around the end of my sophomore year of high school.  Class rings were being ordered and I was not going to order one because mom could not afford such an extravagance for me.  I do not know who did it but I know some of the ladies at church stepped up to my mom and paid for me to order my ring with my class.

I was the very lucky recipient of a horizontal relationship gift throughout my high school education. The summer between my 7th grade and 8th grade year my mom was approached by a couple of people at church (see a pattern here?) about my attending Jefferson Christian Academy as a scholarship student.  To make a long story short, some of the best times of my life and precious people who were and still are in my life are all blessings to me because people took the opportunity to be Jesus to me.

Because of my life experiences I understand what God meant when He wanted us to love and prefer one another and do good to all, but especially those in the household of faith.

I have had adult experiences as well, but because this blog is a tribute to how I became my mother, I will not share all of those now.  I will tell you about one more that has just happened.  It's the reason I can't speak.

Any of you that know my husband, Mark, know that his knees are not the healthiest  part of his body.  He has had 6 knee surgeries and will be having a 7th in a couple of days. We knew this would be a "scope and clean" procedure as he has had it before.  As Mark was scheduling this surgery he was also presented with some alternative, investigational options that have not been available before.  Using transplanted stem cells from Mark's hip COULD heal his knee.  I stress the word COULD.  The doctor has said that he has had much success with this procedure and he thought this could be the answer Mark needs for more permanent healing of his knee.  Sounds great, right?  Except that because it is investigational it is not covered by insurance.  We would have to pay $3000 cash for the procedure.  We decided as a family that because there was not more certainty about the success of the procedure we would not gamble that it would NOT be successful by not doing it at all.

Tonight at the CrossFit gym my husband owns, Trinity CrossFit, someone (or ones) left a card with exactly $3000 cash.  No name, no sign of who left it, nothing!  The message is clear.  Mark should have the stem cell  surgery.  He came home and told me and we just cried together.  Horizontal relationships.... God's provision for us to get through this life.  And to know that He is who He says He is.

Thanking the Lord is the easiest part of this.  He is the vertical relationship made possible by Christ's gift of himself for our sin.   We know the blessing is from HIM.  We may never know which of our horizontal relationships is responsible for this wonderful gift.  I will just say a thank you to all of you who had a part in this.  And that will never be enough.  I am still in awe and so very humbled.  THANK YOU!  Praise be to GOD!

Mom Was Right, Again...

Of course she was right.  My mother, I mean.  It seems the older I get the more I say that.  Oh, there were significant personality differences that made life together difficult at times. But I know now that the love did surpass any difference we had.  I miss her.  I wish she were here to enjoy watching the light bulb come on for me in my parenting and grand-parenting life lessons.  I know she has some hardy laughs while watching me from heaven as I navigate life.

For instance, I remember some conversations with her as a teen when I was struggling with peers. To be honest, I had some of  'those friends' she really didn't like me to hang around.  She would always try to make me see that true friends treat you a certain way while people who are not your friends may say they are but their actions speak differently.  I have had the same talk with my 20 somethings and I actually think I heard her in the room.

She also used to tell me that if I would spend the time it took to get out of doing this task or that and get on with doing the task, I'd have a lot more time to do the things I want to do.  I can't tell you how many times I have told my kids that.  Again, she's in my head!

Now, to compound the issue, I think I have developed some of her characteristics that used to make me cringe.  She was a lady who stood up for what she wanted.  She thought nothing of voicing her opinion when she thought something was wrong.  There was no such thing as keeping it down low... she said what she thought.  I have to admit, I am in filter training.  It's just something I will have to do the rest of my life.  I've seen my own kids squirm uncomfortably when I have voiced my opinion.  At that very second, I knew... I had become my mom.

Well, I can only hope that I honor her by picking up some of her strength and using it as best as I can.  Being like her got me through college at age 42.  She was right about doing what's right, even though it might be hard to do.  She was right about hard work paying off in the end.  And all that unsolicited advice about men?  Yes, that turned out to be right, too.  She certainly would have loved Mark.

The 17th anniversary of Mom's death is coming up in March.  I've missed her for 17 years...every day.  Kayla doesn't know it yet but she's going to become me (to some extent), too.  Everyone should pray for Addie.... She's going to become some version of both of us!  I just hope I am giving them some great characteristics to become.  And that when that day comes that they realize they did become their mom (or Mimi) I hope they get the same smile in their heart that I have when remembering Oleta Bailey Johnson.

I miss you Mom!

This Way or That?

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

This often quoted verse has always been one of my favorites.  Recently, the verse became very real to me.  I experienced what it means to trust that God will open doors and direct me to and through them to accomplish what He has for me to do in this life.  Let me explain...

I have not had the typical career path.  Most people complete degrees within 5 years of graduating high school.  Most do not begin their first full time job in management.  Most continue a path and progress as far as they want to go by my age. Most are looking toward retirement by my age.  God clearly has something I am supposed to do for Him and I trust He will give me all I need to complete the task.

Early in 2013 I had applied for the Management Candidate program where I work.  I really wanted to be a manager again.  I thought I had worked to accomplish all I needed to do to make me an ideal choice for the position.  I interviewed once, then again with a panel of upper level managers.  I was chosen to have a managerial evaluation by an industrial psychologist.  I knew that was a serious sign that I was a true contender for the job.  When the hiring manager told me that I would not be hired I was devastated!  I questioned everything about my performance in the process and I questioned that I should have tried to begin with.  I really wanted to be a manager and my heart was broken that I was not chosen.

Since that time I became Addie's primary caregiver, got in on the ground floor of establishing a workflow for a new billing department and had many opportunities to lead some of the best work teammates through some trailblazing projects in healthcare reform.  More importantly than that was a change of heart and desire to seek what God wanted me to do in life instead of following my own desires.  I did not know what I was to do in life.  I just knew that I had been studying and praying about getting closer to my Lord.  I knew if I did that that He would reveal the path.

In August 2014 the Management Candidate position was posted again.  I was in a different place in my life.  I had a level of comfort in my current position and was unsure if I would bid again on this position.  I had been involved in a ladies' Bible study and really been seeking God in my day to day decisions.  I prayed that the path I should take would be revealed.

I waited.  I needed some kind of sign, as cliche as that sounds.  If this was the path I was to take for His greater glory I needed more than just a desire to do it.  I needed that sign!  And I got it!  This time my outlook was this: Get the job or not, I knew God was guiding me where He wanted me to be.  Today I got the job!

Many things happened this time through the process that I am certain were orchestrated by Him.  I can't even talk about some of it.  I just know it.  I searched for signs and asked for guidance.  He never left me alone and always guided me through.

I said all that to say this--  Seek the Lord.  He will reveal the path you should take.  His path for your life may involve what you want and it may point you a completely different direction than what you think you want.  His time is always perfect for His purpose and reason.  I trust that.   I trust that he will give me what I need to be the best I can be in this new position.

Thanks to my family and friends who are so supportive.  This life is sweeter with you journeying with me.

I covet your prayers for wisdom.  I know this is a huge responsibility and I do not take that lightly. Please let me know if I can support you in any way as God reveals His path for your life.

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn

Embarrassed is an understatement.  It has been close to two years since my last post.  Could I have truly been so busy with all the importance of my life to put this on the back burner?  Well, yes.... I guess I did.  I did.

So much has happened since the last post.  "So", being a relative term.  The flashback of changes that have occurred and the comparison of the person I am now to the person I was nearly two years ago leaves even more questions.


Since November, 2012 I have:
1.) Changed departments where I work
2.) Enjoyed a promotion in the new position
3.) Experienced the interview process for management at my company
4.) Learned the lesson of grace despite adversity
5.) Finally figured out that it isn't all about me
6.) Became my granddaughter's primary caregiver
7.) Spent more time with my husband than I had in the past few years
8.) Competed and judged in my first CrossFit competition
9.) Worked more than I ever had in my life up to this point
10.) Lost people I love and admire through death, geography or circumstance

And those are just a few.

So, when do you cross that bridge to stop doing something you enjoy doing because time is shorter and shorter?  Well, for me it was when the pressure increased.  Pressure to learn something new and know it well.  Pressure, although, it is also joy, to give a little girl a childhood she deserves... no matter what.  Pressure to be there for the people who depend on me to be there, whether they know they do or not.  Whatever the reason.... I didn't post.

Well, that changes today!  After all, this is therapy for me and if someone happens to read it and like it... well, that's gravy on top.

The questions I have about myself may or may not be answered in this blog.  But there is value in the journey that inspires me to write.  I hope you enjoy my journey, too.

SHE'S BACK!!!

So Very Blessed

I know.... Everybody's thankful this time of year. I mean, it's Thanksgiving! What's not to be thankful for? I could run the list of the usual things we all are thankful for and most of you would agree with me. I could talk about my wonderful family, immediate and extended. I could talk about my home and material possessions, all of which are not even mine. They were entrusted to me by my Lord. And for all of them I am thankful. I have thought about so many people who are and have been in my life and how much I am thankful for each person.

I had a conversation with my manager this week and she said something profound. So profound, I told her I was stealing it for this post. She said, "I am most thankful for the ability to change". Oh, the facets of this one! God created this in everyone. It is an essential part of repentance. Which is one of the necessary steps of salvation. This could lead into another discussion, entirely. But I thought long and hard about what she said. And I could not agree more.

The ability to change... hmmmm. Boy did that hit home for me. This has been the year of changes. Whether by choice or necessity, I have made many changes this year. I have taken on roles that I never even considered before. I no longer have children, but young adults. I no longer have a job but a career. My husband's business changed dramatically this year. I had to change to accept that and to be a helper to him. I have changed sizes, my mind (on some issues), and my heart.

Change is exciting and scary. The ability to change is comforting. I am so very thankful that I have the ability to change because if I did not have that I would remain stagnant in my life and never progress. I would be a lost soul with no hope of redemption. I would be miserable. So thank you Lord and Father for giving me the ability to change.

I pray His continued blessings on you all. May the ability to change be a gift we are forever thankful to have. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Elect This!

Today is the day.  Election day in the greatest country God has ever chosen to bless.  We, Americans have a chance every four years to select who we want to lead us, command our military, defend our rights and freedoms, and manage our national business.  I love this day and everything it represents.  My mom is responsible for my enthusiasm, I'm certain. 

As a small child I remember her taking my brother and me to the polls with her to vote.  She taught me early that voting was not only a privilege but a duty.  I thought it very cool to walk into the voting booth that resembled the photo booth of the day and the curtain being drawn.  From the ballot sheet out of the newspaper that was already clearly marked with mom's choices I got to push the levers she pointed out to me.  I helped her vote!   I thought I was the coolest kid EVER!  I was taught that you should look at the candidates independently, not just a certain party.  And I remember my first time to vote.  I was a sophomore in college.  1984.  I was so pumped because this was not my mother's vote... It was MINE!  My voice... My thoughts... My research... And my duty. 

I hear people all the time saying, "My vote doesn't count" or, "I am not going to waste my time going to vote... it doesn't matter anyway”.  'Makes me really sad.  Ask the veterans of this great country if they think it matters.  Ask the political leaders if they think it matters. Ask the family members of the soldiers who made the ultimate sacrifice if they think it matters.  IT MATTERS!

I am not a loud supporter of any political party or person.  I know what I believe and align myself with the leaders I believe are on the same page that I am.  I do feel that whatever your beliefs, you should show your support of those by voting for whoever is aligned with those.  My government teacher in high school, Mrs. Lillian Evans, said this to our class:
"I may not agree with what you believe politically, but I would fight for your right to believe it."  Pretty solid advice, I think. 

This is a very special Election Day.  Both of my children are voting age and have their first opportunity to make their voices heard.  I hope that the trips to the voting booth with me taught them what my mom taught me. 

If you are not a registered voter, shame on you!  Go register to vote and participate in a freedom many around the world would love to have.  If you are a voter, I applaud you.  Now go vote!  And God bless America!